You're so very beautiful.

No, it's not the kind of thing I would ever say out loud. Curse me if I ever did admit to that.

You are strong, walking me into the next room. Far stronger than I. You're brave to take me in like this. Brave and stupid and foolish. Do you even remember, even know the things I did? Do you think I was kidding? Do you know who I am?

Of course you do. Stupid fool man.

No, I correct myself - not man. Something so very different.

I let myself watch you walk away. Fractured bloodstained memories flash through my mind - body wants to spring into action, destroy you, but the lack of strength won't allow it. Or maybe that's something else that won't ....

The pain isn't so bad, really. The pain I can turn off. My mind floats. My body is a shell for consciousness. I distance myself from my eyes and retreat inward -

I open my eyes and you are still standing there. I would tell you to go but -

But I'm not sure I want you to.

Go, fool, run and save yourself. Let me go. Let me be free. Let me out. Don't let me stay and hurt you.

You're hurting me.

What kind of stupid dream is this? How could I for a single instant believe you would do this for me? What kind of twisted man are you?

No, I remind myself again. Not man.

It isn't fair, you know. You should hate and despise me. I ruined everything, right? I have done nothing to deserve this in return. You confuse me to no end, and I hate you for it.

I hate you for the paradox you are. You should not be; I should kill you. I should have killed you long ago. I am strong. I am strong.

And I am not going to cry, and I am not going to laugh, and I am not going to thank you. That isn't me. I am going to - be. I am going ot be sick and weak and substandard, while you are immortal and strong and beautiful. You don't get it. You don't get the way things are supposed to be. You're not supposed to save me. I'm supposed to kill you.

I'm not supposed to be here, in your home, in your bed, broken like some fragile porcelain doll, watching you walk and look and not really breathe.

Damn you, Angel. Damn you and damn everything you are - creature of light and hope and good. How can you possibly be what you are and be so beautiful? I'm covered in filth. It's black and it's all over me. It's black and dirty and it fills me. You should be the dark one. Not me. You shouldn't exist. You saved me.

You're so very beautiful.


You're waiting for someone
To put you together
You're waiting for someone to push you away
There's always another wound to discover
There's always something more you wish he'd say

-"Everything You Want", Vertical Horizon